My Wife Is Trying To Kill Me

My Wife Is Trying To Kill Me


Judith was very pleasant this morning and even fixed me a second cup of coffee. I thought things were fine between us. She invited me to her water aerobics class, which for a more observant person, might have been the first sign that all was not well. The average age of the women in her class is 114 so we were the youngest people within five miles of the pool. Most looked their age and gave the impression that they had just about enough life left in them to survive getting in and out of the pool. A few of the women looked a bit dehydrated while others looked like they had enjoyed too many early bird dinner specials. Once all of us were fully immersed in the pool something strange began to happen. One by one each woman transformed into a Navy Seal. Everyone acted like nothing was happening. As the aerobic exercise became more rigorous I noticed more smiles and quick glances my way. None of the women were getting tired. I could easily see I had been lured to this event to be killed. I was the only one out of breath. I was the only one who could not stretch and easily touch his toes without drowning. What had I done wrong? I was truly in deep water. Was this retribution for all the times I had looked at older people with something less than deep admiration? Was Judith unhappy because I might have snored from time to time last night? Or was this just another opportunity for ego humiliation? I really love my wife, but I think she is trying to kill me.


© Robert Luckin

5 June, 2013